Always Respect Your Elders
by Ryan, age 11, Oregon
Discoverer: Charles Darwin
Grown Up Rule Number: 11
Rule: Respect your elders.
Official Reason: They deserve it.
Real Reason: Though your grandparents do deserve much respect, that is not the real reason parents tell you to be nice to them. The real reason is…
…YOUR ELDERS MIGHT DESTROY YOU.
History: Long ago in 1835, scientist Charles Darwin docked his ship on the Galápagos Islands. They say Charles found fossils and finches there, wrong! He discovered a skeleton of a very old man there. Strangely, his brain was still preserved. At the time, Charles didn’t notice the twists and tangles and knots because he was busy turning green from the revolting sight. He had to stay on that island for weeks he was so sick. When he recovered, he had lost his sense of disgust (which didn’t exactly please the crew mates). With nothing gross to him, Charles was able to notice how twisted the brain was. He then sketched down in his notepad the things he had noticed. The following sentence is from is a quote from his famous book The Origin of Species. When ye’ turn to thee age of forty, ye’ body goes on high alert. Yer’ body produces cells that go to ye’ brain and twist ye’ brain into hopeless knots. These cells be called Twisters”. After he wrote this, not only was he beaten up by the town bully saying he offended his grandma, but he also sent people running in fear from the thought of tornadoes being in your body. However, Charles’s theory would become important knowledge for the events to follow. There were three major massacres involving Darwin's theory. The first occurred before Charles even discovered this fact of age.
This massacre took place from 1789 - 1797. This was known as the Washington massacre. President George Washington was 57 years old when he was elected. Far past age forty, George was mad with power. His followers known as D.Cs (dumb colonists), were given orders to throw precious tea into a river breaking the truce with England. This infuriated George’s TWIN, King George lll. George Washington waged war against England despite the colonists' protests. The worst part, during the whole war, George just sat back living up to his name washing his dishes. In 1797, George Washington didn’t quit power, he was driven out by a woodsman. Since respect didn’t exist back then (obviously), the woodsman had created wooden denchers he stuck Georges mouth while he was sleeping. Realizing he wasn’t intimidating without his fangs, George decided to quit power and become a normal person. Not before he named the capitol after him and his followers, Washington D.C. If you think that’s bad, you haven’t seen anything yet.
The second massacre was called the Fairytale massacre. If you honestly thought Little Red Riding Hood was just a made up story to scare kids, think again! In 1842 there was a little girl named Little. Her parents didn’t think much of her and just named her Little (for her puniness) Red (for her taste for berries) Riding (no reason). She once was told to go bring cookies to her century old grandmother. By now, you probably understand the danger of that age. When you get that old, Twisters in your body don’t only affect your internal organs, but also your external organs. Little was skipping through the woods popping freshly baked cookies into her mouth as she went. When she got there, the basket was empty. The house in front of her was very merry and had a cute blue roof. It would’ve been a lovely sight if it hadn’t been surrounded by rotting corpses. Little didn’t seem to mind though and thought “I guess granny likes Halloween”. She had opened her door and saw her grandma waiting in bed. She had immediately smelled the lack of food. The grandma then shapeshifted into a wolf and growled “WHERE’S THE FOOD!!??”. Little replied to this by saying “my my what sharp teeth you have” followed by “my my what a round belly you have!”. The grandma was highly ticked off by this and ate Little. The massacre ended that day due to…let’s just say inflation. Yet still there was one more massacre.
This final massacre was known as the Hallows massacre. In 1884, in a little town in Pennsylvania known as trance. You’re probably thinking “there’s no such thing!”. There’s a reason for that. Trance was a town famous for its punch. They had every type of punch, fruit punch, spicy punch, and even punching punch (though they didn’t sell much of those)! One of the punch makers names was Dracula. He was 62 years old and was the best punch maker in town. It had a unique taste and was redder than all the other punches. Nobody knew how he did it…until 1884. A punch maker named Amia Don Kee, made fun of in childhood, went to figure out the secret to his punch, and realized the terrifying truth. Think, the name was Dracula, the punch was extra red, it could only be one thing. It was artificially flavored! (They later figured out it was artificial blood but that doesn’t matter). This was by far the worst massacre. Dracula was crazy! There was only one thing Amia could do, flee in terror. Dracula had noticed however and chased after her. In the process, he knocked over a trash can which knocked over a person which knocked over a punch bowl which knocked over a building which knocked over the town. To this day, that area is known as Transylvania.
In conclusion, be nice to your grandparents. Though there hasn’t been a massacre in 138 years, you never know when the next will break out.
